Growing Beyond Co-Dependency

Breaking Unhealthy Patterns In Relationships

by Jacquelyne Joens

Co-dependency is an increasingly popular and often times over-used term. It’s use originated to help professionals describe the behavior patterns of those individuals or families involved in relationships with people addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. It has been commonly used to describe the "walking on eggshells" behavior pattern of those dysfunctional relationships.

More recently, "co-dependency" has been adapted to help describe the behaviors present in any dysfunctional relationship where one person sacrifices "self" in the hopes of satisfying their needs of feeling wanted, desired, loved, valued, etc. These behaviors are also seen in the dysfunctional families where abuse (emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual) is present. Co-dependency is generally used to describe any self-sacrificing, unhealthy behavior patterns which result from dysfunctional relationships adding more fuel to the dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s a circular pattern of behavior that is often destructive for all those involved.

For our discussion, let us embrace and own the idea that having healthy relationships in our lives is important. As a result, we need to make sure we bring our best we can be to the relationship process. What does it mean to be our best? To understand this idea we need to begin to understand the difference between being responsible for others and being responsible to others in our lives.

Everyone carries some baggage from their life’s journey. We can see that we are all lugging around some different sized loads – but we all have a load to bear. It is irresponsible for anyone to try and dump their baggage on someone else and equally irresponsible for us to carry someone else’s. It is important that we all carry our own load. (We all have baggage – we just need to learn how to carry it gracefully.)

With this baggage carrying analogy, we can see that if someone is trying to carry the load of another the weight becomes unbearable for one (he/she has been dumped on) and the other person is experiencing unbridled freedom – no worries. This isn’t good for either person.

Everyone has their own baggage or burdens to live through and carry. Life is just that way. Things happen on an everyday basis – we all must experience, learn and (hopefully) grow through these experiences, thus becoming more graceful at carrying our own burdens. If we try to carry this baggage for another, then we are depriving the person of experiencing his/her life. We are getting in the way of the lessons that are being introduced to them. We are feeling responsible for their life – for their happiness – for their success – even for their failures.

The same can be said if we try and get others to carry our life’s baggage. If we keep handing it off and not dealing with it ourselves then we are expecting someone else to be responsible for our lives. We are giving up our power. We will miss out on all of the opportunities we are presented to experience, learn and grow as a person. We will never learn how to gracefully walk with our burdens – our baggage. We are not being responsible for ourselves or our life.

Instead, it is a much more healthy approach to living if we consider ourselves responsible to other people rather than being responsible for other people. Sometimes life dumps a trunk on us and we need genuine help to carry it. It is far too heavy to carry alone. These are times in life that are extra heavy, extra difficult, extra trying. In these cases we are all responsible to ask for help and those of us who are able would be loving and supportive to help during those times of trial – i.e., illness, death, divorce, natural disaster, abuse, war, etc. These times call for assistance – a temporary sharing of the load that someone has experienced in their life. To help the person struggling is to be responsible to them - we are there to help, supporting others during difficult times of trial and pain. We are assisting, not trying to carry or control the burden alone. We are helping out for a while until such time as the trial is lifted.

One of the most commonly identifiable behaviors/attitudes in co-dependency is that of trying to control our environment (namely relationships) to satisfy our deep need of wanting to be loved. Have you ever found yourself saying things like:

"If I was good enough, he/she would love me."
"If I don’t do it, the job won’t get done or won’t be done right and people will be disappointed in me."
"If I volunteer more at church, I will be liked and respected."
"If I wear the latest clothes, I will be more popular with my classmates/co-workers/potential partners/friends."
"If I were thinner/more muscular/smarter/funnier he/she would love me."
"If my kids are always clean, neat and well behaved, everyone will believe I am a good parent and will respect me more."
"I know so much through my experiences, it is my responsibility to pass on this information to everyone whether they think it is important information or not."
"If I get the project done ahead of time, everyone will respect me."
"If my children are at the top of their class, people will believe I am a great parent and/or I will look good."
"If I make sure to get my children to all of the
"right"
"If my spouse is always happy, then people will believe we have a great marriage/relationship."
"My spouse/significant other will always be happy if I just behave in a certain way and/or provide for their every need."
"If we pretend that the abuse isn’t happening, things will work out okay and people will see how great my family is. It is important to keep up appearances."
"If I can just avoid saying anything confrontational on the nights my spouse has been drinking then things will be fine."
"If I give 120% - one hundred percent of the time, everyone will see this and my life will be perfect."
"A job worth doing, is worth doing perfectly."

All of these statements suggest a strong issue of co-dependency.

Next Page: Let Them Carry it Themselves