Growing Beyond Co-Dependency II
Let Them Carry it Themselves
by Jacquelyne Joens
Here we
are trying to carry someone’s baggage rather than letting them carry it
themselves. It is a place where our boundaries blend in too closely with
those boundaries of our family members, friends, coworkers, fellow students,
neighbors, etc. They all suggest having control over other peoples’
opinions, thoughts and feelings – being responsible for others. If we have
co-dependant attitudes/behaviors, we believe that we are strong and all
powerful – we are able to "make someone happy, sad, angry, furious, out of
control, elated, content"…the list goes on and on. With co-dependant
behaviors/attitudes come the belief that through our actions we control how
all other people see us, value us, and respond to us. This is a recipe for
disaster.
Rather than allowing others to own their own reactions to situations, we
believe they should respond in a way defined (and usually desired) by us. In
many situations this isn’t necessarily "evil" control. Many of us want our
family members to be happy and satisfied with life. We desire love and
nurturing relationships. We want our bosses to approve of us and like us.
None of these desires are wrong unless they get in the way of living life in
an honest way where we are feeling responsible for other people.
It is important that we learn to live life in a way that is true to who we
fundamentally are and what we believe. To live otherwise is to live in a
falseness-of-self that will always come back to haunt us. We can’t "make"
anyone feel, act, or be someway they don’t choose to be themselves…that is
their choice (not ours) to make. Often times a person can get trapped in
this cycle when involved in a relationship where he/she really cares about
how the other person feels about him/her.
Remember back to your youth…as a teenager, we often would discover someone
and develop a huge crush on him/her. We would wonder what they liked to do
and what kind of things happened that resulted in smiles and laughter in
their lives…we look for those things that made them tick. Then, we might
have tried to emulate this type of person so that the object of our desire
would "like us." Maybe, if we were able to perform perfectly, dress
perfectly, behave just so - this person might even fall in love with us.
We did our homework. We discovered what was important to him/her and then
snared them in the trap of our charm. Weeks or months later, we possibly
discovered that there were things about him/her that we weren’t all that
wild about. Maybe we became sick to death of going shopping or having
football games on TV every Sunday. We may even have tried to change them a
bit…maybe bringing up other options for entertainment that were important to
us – we encouraged them kindly (or forcefully) to just try and see how
wonderful these things could be. We wanted them to change to fit what our
real desires were – what was really in our hearts. Instead of respecting
that they where who they were and we were who we really were – that person
behind the persona of "perfect."
Does this scenario sound familiar? Unfortunately, it is all too often the
case in relationships – even past our teen years. The passionate infatuation
stage wanes and we find ourselves tired of trying to be someone we aren’t
and then wanting to have our partner "just love me for who I really am." We
may also attempt this same type of manipulation with our parents or other
significant people in our lives. Trying desperately to gain approval,
acceptance, love – it just doesn’t work. We cannot (nor should we even try)
get people to feel things they do not want to feel – even love. (Sorry
Cupid, those arrows really don’t work!)
The best we can hope for and actually what we should be striving toward, is
being true to who we are in our hearts. That doesn’t mean to be blindly
accepting of our behaviors (both good and bad). But rather to live true to
our values, skills, personality, and all those gifts that enrich our
personhood. We need to discover, learn and grow in who we are. Then, we
bring our "best" self to the table of any and all relationships. If the
"object of our desire" isn’t receptive – that may be quite sad (and
sometimes devastating) – but it is his/her choice. We shouldn’t try to
manipulate this process. It is the best for all involved.
If we think about it logically and remove our personal feelings from the
observations, it really makes a lot of sense. If we are respectful of
others’ boundaries and desires as well as our own, the result will be good
matches rather than manipulated partnerships. Everything will be out on the
table with no surprises. We won’t be trying to change anyone and no one will
be trying to change us. We will all be living in truth rather than wishing
for what "could possibly be if he/she would change." The result will be an
honest connection between people who share common values, beliefs,
convictions, interests, etc. Not only will we be loving someone as they are
– we will be loved for who and what we are – "loved for being me!"
Author’s Note: If you find yourself struggling in relationships, you may be
experiencing symptoms of co-dependency. It would be helpful to seek
assistance from a mental health professional to work through defining and
setting healthy boundaries as well as respecting those boundaries of others.
This is often one of the most effective tools to help experience good and
healthy relationships. Contact New Life Counseling, (515) 964-5003, to
schedule an initial consultation.